I think I can understand why people used to enter opium dens, pick up pipes and never leave again.

Sometimes things happen in your life that fill you with regret, or a gaping sense of loss. Then when you sleep, you dream. You dream of a time and place, a world where things have turned out fine. That knot of anxiety you have within, the one squeezing your heart uncomfortably, just disappears.

As you drift back towards consciousness, part of you knows that it isn't real. But the other part whispers into your ear "It could always be real right? It feels real doesn't it?". So you fight to fall back into the dream, because face it, reality sucks then.

But you can't sleep forever. And when you finally come to? It hits you. Not like a speeding truck, but like a slow acting poison. The pain was always there, its just that you only just realised it. And it hurts.

I was watching a drama when the waterworks turned on. (Actually, I was reading an episode summary for the next episode because it was getting late and the tension was killing me:P) Fears of never getting what I want, frustration at how what I want can't be gotten through sheer hardwork or tenacity, and envy at what others have started a steady stream of tears.

I realise, the morning after, that once you turn on the waterworks, its really hard to fully turn it back off. As much as a good cry helps you get some of the emotional pressure off, the feeling of heaviness in your eyes and heart, once turned on is hard to turn off.

Was chatting with a friend today about Hogwart's houses, starting looking for sorting hat quizzes...and

http://www.thealmightyguru.com/Reviews/HarryPotter/Docs/Quiz-House-Results.html?10&17&13&6

I recently had the opportunity to think about what-could-have-beens. I generally fear thinking about what-could-have-beens because it makes me sad to compare that with what-is's. It makes me afraid that failure to seize or treasure what-could-have-beens mean that I would never experience such things again. But then it struck me, thats pretty silly thinking actually, because the very fact that what-could-have-beens never became what-is's is proof that what-could-have-beens are essentially what-never-could-have-been. If it was even meant to be part of my present or future, it would have come to pass.

For example, for a long time, I was strongly discomfitted about the possibility that I was not elect and thus the option of salvation was not available to me. (What election is: http://bible.org/article/my-understanding-biblical-doctrine-election)My fear and frustration stemmed from my feeling of helplessness, of being able to see the shining prize before me and yet never being able to touch it because of the very essence of who I was. I have since then resolved the issue internally on the following basis (a variation of Pascal's Wager): If I am indeed elect and my faith is genuine, then I have nothing to fear. My duty would be to live a life that is God-honouring. However, if I am not elect and my faith turns out to be inadequate, then there is no harm for me to have aspired towards salvation even if it were impossible for me to have achieved it. I don't know anyone else who has rationalised religion to themselves in this manner, but I guess a desire to be saved logically points at least a possibility of election? But linking this back to my original point: If I was never meant to be elect, then there is no reason why I should be lamenting this fact, because election and salvation was never something that I could have done anything personally to achieve.

I think it is good not to dwell on the past and build stories about things that could never have survived to the present. In the absence of information otherwise, all that one can and should do is to live life to the best that one sees it. If something isn't meant for you, then there is no point trying to outsmart your way into it. All you can do is hope and pray that it is in God's will for you.

Wow, how old is my dad...he unfriended someone on facebook because they argued over how a doubles badminton recreational game should be played.

Dear dad, if you get into multiple arguments with other people, maybe its not because the world is stupid...

Result-time has come around once again, and I guess "You reap what you sow" is the most apt way to describe my results.
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A long time ago, in a small village, there lived a farmer (farmeress?).

Every year, new crops needed to be planted and new fruits to harvest.

She wasn't new to the farming business, but she was definitely not an old hand at farming.

When spring came around and the sun was shining brightly, she tilled the ground. Trying her best to make sure the furrows were straight and evenly spread, she worked until they were done.

After the furrows were done, she went to buy packs of seeds. Some of the seeds looked interesting, while others she just bought because she needed to fill her field.

Sowing the seeds, she placed them neatly into the rows in the field.

As summer came along, she watered and tended the plants. Some days she would forget to water some rows of plants, other days she would forget to weed. But generally, she dilligently weeded and watered.

Soon it was time to harvest the plants. Some of the plants bore fairly decent fruit. Not the sweetest fruit out there, but fairly tasty. Some of the plants however, tasted awful. They were lumpy and bitter.

She put in similar effort into watering and weeding the plants, but the fruit reaped was so vastly different.

One lesson that farmer learnt? You reap what you sow. Getting good fruit isn't only about working hard to take care of your plants. If you sow seeds that are bad, or that are not suitable for the ground you own, you reap bad fruit.
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In related news: I'm pretty screwed. But I should have faith. Time to get out of this pessimism.

He smiled. "We would have been friends".

"Yes." She closed her eyes. Just for a moment. Not long enough to allow her to dream. "Yes, we would."

-Julia Quinn

Note: This is a fictional monologue in my head by a 19th century vampire who happens to be a lawyer.

"Why did I decide to be a lawyer, you ask? Well, what other job in the world lets me speak as though I am still stuck in the 19th century? Or look normal if I work into the wee hours of the morning (my most productive hours, I assure you)? Or let me stumble around pale-skinned with bloodshot eyes?

Well, I must admit it also tickles me when others call me a bloodsucker. They have no idea how true that is."

"I like being able to read books that were actually printed in my time. To laugh as I remember ruckus splashed all across the tabloids with headlines like 'Mr Thomsom of Rollesfordshire charged by District Court for Touching neighbour's Cow.'"

I need to just take a step back and not fret about things that are out of my grasp.

In the past hour alone, I have looked at a range of job-related and qualifications related sites, including but not limited to: design colleges, language schools, paralegal listings (which I conclude is a bad idea, it looks like they do everything lawyers do, and get paid much less), MOE remuneration rates (Interesting fact: Qualified dental surgeons are not allowed to teach at secondary or JC level, only at primary school math, english and science.) as well as information about living or working overseas.

Need to stop freaking out.

Stop.

Rar.

Recently, I've been getting progressively quicker to anger. I've been touchy particularly on the issue of the a law-related career. I don't know how much I should fight and strive on to try to get a law job, and when it may then just be better to admit that I suck at this, that I'm not brilliant or even particularly adept at legal analysis.

And to be utterly honest? I'm not filled with a burning need to practice the law. I just want to do something that is fulfilling, that changes people's lifes for the better. And hopefully, something I can enjoy. Is that too much to ask?

I know I should be patient, but I've begun to consider a wide-range of alternatives to a law job, the harder it appears for me to get a law job. Right now? My biggest desire is to take a job that lets me run away from all this rubbish.

If I'm really not cut out for this, please let there be a sign soon. Or is all this difficulty a sign in itself?